Letter One

Disclosure: So, something weird happened. I felt compelled to write another book. I started writing it as a series of letters, which is why this is called Letter One. I three letters and 3,000 words in when I realized that it would work much better here, on the blog. So, if you see any mentions to it being a book, that’s because it was, but I changed my mind. I would go back and edit all of the references out, but I don’t know if that would work to well. Anyway, here it is!

Dear Reader,

It seems I have a knack for the “experimental”. My last book was an unconventional experiment at best, and it seems that I don’t know how to break away from it. Traditional writing perplexes me. I don’t know how to get a good grasp of it, but for some reason, when it comes to the unconventional, I find it as natural as drinking water. 

My last literary effort was a stream of conscious memoir, but this time I want to try something a little bit different. I’ll be sticking with the stream of consciousness style, but with a new twist. This time around, I’ll be talking directly to you through a series of letters. I won’t just be relaying a story that sounds like a conversation, no, instead we’ll be having an actual conversation, albeit a one sided one.

I’ve always liked the letter format of writing. It’s so close and personal. It’s just what this book needs. Every letter will be different, with topics ranging far and wide. I will ask questions that you may have to answer on your own, so this won’t exactly be the most passive of experiences, which may make reading a little harder than usual. I promise, though, that it won’t be that hard.

In these letters, I’m going to ask you a lot of questions. These questions are probably going to be mostly about faith, but not always. This is one of those “Christian”, but it’s not going anything like you would imagine it being. Also, you don’t exactly have to be a Christian to get anything out of this. This isn’t to convert you. Christians are not supposed to convert people. We’re supposed to help, support, and spread love. God works through people, and when he comes to you, we’re there to fill  in the blanks, but what if you don’t want religion? Then we’re still there to help. That’s the idea, anyway, but Christianity seemed to lose its way on day one, forgetting the whole love and peace thing. I am not like the rest of Christianity, though. I am very different as I actually believe in spreading love, peace, and helping my fellow man. If you have a flat tire, I’m just supposed to help you fix it, not help halfway then hide the rest of the help behind a conversion pay wall.  

Anyway, how are you feeling? Are you having a good day? I hope so. I have a habit of getting really dark, so I’d hate to make a dark day even darker. That isn’t to say that it will all be doom and gloom around here, but that is where my mind often travels in the wee hours of the night.

I should also warn you that these letters have no set length, just like any other letter. Some may only be a page, while others may go on and on and on. My tone may also shift wildly, as it does in everyday life. Sorry about that, but that’s just how it is.

Minds are fickle, and Autistic minds are no different. In fact, mine may be even more fickle than most, but who knows. I certainly know that my mind works differently. I know that I feel differently, I taste differently, and I act differently. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t so different, but here we are. Different, and no one can change that. 

Anyway, I hope this letter has set your expectations for what’s to come. Hope you have a good day. 

Sincerely,

The Autistic Cowboy

Why The Lack of Pictures?

I’m sure there are some who have wondered why this site doesn’t have many pictures associated with the articles. The reason is simply that Word Press only offers so much memory towards images, and in order to get more, you have to pay. I completely understand this, but I like this thing called “money” This is what happens when you also lack a thing called a “job”. Shit happens.

I assure you, though, that the articles are still good. My Blair Witch review is still a solid review, even though it doesn’t have an eye catching thumbnail. If things were different, everything would have a nice thumbnail, but that sadly isn’t so.

I hope this lessens any confusion around the site and its lack of images. Hope y’all have a great day. God bless!

So, I’ve Decided To Write a Memoir….

Yeah, I know, that kinda came out of nowhere, but it’s true. I’ve wanted to write a book for a long time, but I always lose inspiration, or run out of steam. Those, however, have always been fictional tales. This one is not, hence why it’s called a Memoir.

I’m mulling over the idea of posting chapters here. I don’t want to post the whole book here, but that would defeat the purpose of trying to sell it. I will, however, post the preface here for anyone to read, and maybe I’ll follow it up with a few chapters here and there.

I’ve set a goal for myself, which will hopefully help me complete this journey. 200-250 pages, or 40k-50k words. Whichever comes first. I know that’s not that long, but if I don’t set a goal, then this thing will never end. Either way, I hope that this all works out, and that my “work” can entertain, educate, and inspire! Sounds grandiose, but hey, might as well shoot for the stars!

It’s Been Awhile….

The title says it all. It has been awhile. A long while, but that’s what happens when life throws you a few curve balls. All the time that I’ve been absent from here, I’ve spent dealing with, well, life.

One of the last things I wrote on here was about getting fired from my job. Not exactly the best note to go out on, but it’s what happened. Since then, I haven’t really found a job, just some contract work. Not everything has been bad, though.

Because of the rather abrupt nature of losing my job, and new tensions between my father and I, I’ve since moved out of that decrepit old house, and bought another car! Well, Jo actually bought the car, and pays for the house that we’re currently in. I’m kinda just along for the ride, but hey, that’s how marriage is when only one of you can actually keep a job. It’d be funny if it weren’t so sad.

Now, I know that buying a car and throwing money at a rental property aren’t exactly the first things most people would do once they’ve lost their job, but it’s what we had to do to get out of there. Take on a little debt so we could have some semblance of a future on our own. Risky, but it’s what we had to do, plus we had to get a second car anyway. Hard for both of us to make it to work with one car, especially since most of the work I do is 60+ miles away.

Things are both better and worse now. In terms of happiness and independence, it’s the best we’ve been. We’re finally on our own. No roommates, no cramped room where we have to fight animals and the elements every night, or worrying about pleasing those who we live with/under. It’s just us. In terms of finances and anxiety, however, it’s not great. We have virtually no savings. All the money we have is going towards the various bills we have to pay now. Almost nothing is being saved. Sad thing is, even if I got a steady job, we most likely wouldn’t be able to save much more. That’s just the state of the world at the moment. I’m constantly up at night worrying if I can make enough to pay the few bills that I’m in charge of paying, and that’s just adding to the many worries that already keep me up.

I’ve put in application after application, but it’s yielded nothing. What’s weird is I’m almost glad that no ones called back. I can’t screw up and lose my job if I don’t have one in the first place. I seem aimless and afraid. I don’t know what to do, but despite the depression and anxiety increasing, I find myself happier over all. Isn’t that strange? It is, right?

I guess that’s the good news. I’m happier. This is in large part to my incredibly loving wife. I feel terrible that I’ve put her through all of this. I wish I could make it better, but I can’t. Never the less, she’s still here, supporting me in everything. Supports my creativity, my writing, and even my streaming. She supports it all. She believes in me. I just wish that belief would result in something monetary so I could take the load off her shoulders.

This post wasn’t meant to be depressing, in fact it was supposed to be uplifting because it’s the announcement that I’m coming back! I’m gonna be posting more. That’s good news, but it just happens to be surrounded by a bunch of not so good news. Either way, I’m back!

Not Sure What To Do.

It’s 4 am at the time of writing this. I can’t sleep, and a storm will be rolling in soon. Last weekend, a tornado almost dropped on top of the house that I’m staying in. Almost wish it had.

That was a depressing opening, but it was honest. I’m not wishing for death, by the way. I get down sometimes, but I truly am thankful for where I am right now. Things could be a lot worse. Despite living in a 186 sqft room, I still have a roof over my head. I have beautiful wife who loves me. I’m not going hungry, but I am jobless. Things could be worse, but things still suck. It all still hurts.

Besides hurting, I’m also confused. Confused about what to do now. Should I beg for my job back, or should I demand it back? Should I look for work elsewhere? If so, where can I go where I won’t get fired or quit? Right now, I just don’t know.

I’m currently using this time off to concentrate on this site, and my YouTube and Twitch channels. Streaming and editing takes up a lot of time. I now finally have time to do it, but unless things take off, I’m gonna have to find work soon. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky, but I haven’t so far.

Things Change, But Not Necessarily For The Better

Been a little bit since I posted anything on here. There are a couple for that. For the last couple weeks, I had been working 50-60 plus hour, 7 day work weeks. No weekends or time off. This didn’t leave a lot of time to write or really do anything. Well, that’s over now, but not because the work load got lighter. Instead, it’s because I got fired.

Yes, I got fired, and I was only a year away from being able to get my Journeyman Plumbing license. To make this worse, it was really sudden. No warning. Just kinda happened. I was also fired by my father. It literally couldn’t get much worse than this, but life has a way of just getting worse.

I had been feeling sorta weird all day, then after about 8 hours in, I got dizzy and collapsed. I didn’t pass out, but I did hit the ground hard. My theory was that the humidity and the sun had gotten too me. I managed to get myself to the shade, and decided to rest for a little while. While I was resting, my father pulls up. He sees me sitting instead of working, and I guess this set him off. He was already in a bad mood, and decided to take it out on me.

See, I was at his/my house, which is also the place where we keep all the material for the plumbing business. There was this huge pile of plastic fittings, thousands of them, that he wanted me to separate. It had taken days to get as far as I did, which wasn’t far enough. He thought it should’ve taken a few hours to separate literal thousands of fittings into separate and neat piles. This, was of course, bullshit, but it didn’t matter. I was too slow. Too slow to be his employee.

He started yelling at me and threatened to fire me. This caused us to fight. I already wasn’t feeling good, so my tolerance for bullshit was running low. I wasn’t going to be made to feel worthless without sticking up for myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe then I would still have a job.

After we fought, he fired me, then stormed off. I walked away from him, angry and tense, and that’s when I noticed that I wasn’t feeling great. I collapsed again. I fell flat on my face, and I know that he saw. He didn’t say a word, or rush to my aid. Instead, I heard him stop, his feet shuffle, then he got in his truck and drove away.

I laid there for maybe 15-30 minutes. Finally got enough strength back to pull myself into the shop so I could rest in the shade again. I laid on the concrete shop floor for over an hour before I could get up. This was not the greatest end to a day. While I laid there, my thoughts raced about what I was supposed to do now. Everything seems so bleak with no hope in sight.

I didn’t just lose a job. I lost my back up plan. Working for the family company was my fall back plan. If everything went south, I could always fall back on plumbing. Dad did, and so did my brother, but I guess I’m not as good as them. Not fast enough.

I also have only one car that my wife uses to go to her job out of town. We live in a small town of 1,100 people. There aren’t exactly a lot of job openings, and even then, not a lot of jobs that I can keep. I can’t go out of town because I have no vehicle. Can’t get another car because we don’t have enough money. We’re screwed.

I also get sick a lot. Besides having Autism, anxiety, and myriad of other problems, my immune system is almost non existent, due to the fact that my body has stopped making it’s own testosterone. The meds that I take to counteract all of this crap also make me more likely to get heat exhaustion/ heat stroke, which I’ve had twice before. This is one of the reasons as to why I’m slower than most others on the job site, but that doesn’t matter anymore.

On top of all of this, we don’t have anywhere else that we can go. My wife and I are basically squatting in my dad’s house. This wouldn’t be bad if it was finished. It’s completely open to the elements. Only one 186 square foot room is dried in. Most of the walls aren’t insulated, just a single layer of sheet rock, so it’s either incredibly cold or hot. Not the best living conditions. A towel is stuffed under the door to keep bugs, snakes, and other animals from getting in. Constantly getting bitten by something at night. We have running water, but have no kitchen or way to wash clothes, dishes, etc. Barely have enough room to be comfortable. Not exactly the best living conditions. The house has been like this for years, which is why my dad doesn’t even live here. He’s lived with his girlfriend for years, so he doesn’t have to deal with any of this, but that doesn’t help us.

I hope that I can concentrate on this site, my writing, and my YouTube channel during the downtime, but I just don’t know. I don’t have a lot of drive anymore. Guess my depression is back, which makes sense. Hopefully, if I can press on, I could get some freelance writing work. That would help pay for the internet and utilities, but my hopes aren’t to high.

I know that this was a depressing story, but y’all deserve to know what’s been going on. I didn’t give up on this site. Life has just done it’s best to kick me down. If I try my best, maybe I can get back up, but either way, that’s what’s I’ve been up too.

Have a blessed day.